Beginning of week 2

Tuesday- Jan 8th 2013

Meal 1- Choc Shake
Meal 2- pb choc Bar
Meal 3- 1/2 Lean Green- Spinach 3 cherry tomatoes 1tsp feta cheese 2 oz grilled chicken 1tbs lt ranch
Meal 4- Brownie
Meal 5-Lemon Merengue Bar and 1/2 lean 5 oz tuna 1tbs lt mayo
Meal 6- Cappuccino

Water-a TON    not sure exactly how much but every 5 minutes I was drinking

Conquered-  a Work Baby Shower

Part of my 'issue' is I tend to turn bitter about emotional/painful circumstances.  I want to be a mother. Period. Actually therein lays the problem-- my desire to do the will of God should be my desire. Period.  sigh.... I have a long way to go.    I digress....

SO-   Work Baby Showers in the past have been avoided at all costs. They have been pretty painful.  Pretty much EVERY single person in the room talks about their children, their babies, their birthing experiences. The inside of my skin crawls because I just want to run away!  Why should I have to hear all of this?  Isn't it crazy enough that what I do for a living is working with a case load of about 15 mothers and their babies?  Isn't it crazy enough that 40 hours a week is spent thinking about how to help mothers be better mothers?  and yet work Baby showers have been even more torturous than that.   Maybe it's the stark realization that every person in the room is a mother but me, every person in the room has someone who calls them Mommy. 

BUT 2013 is different!   I will FACE these painful emotions instead of running away from FEAR.  FEAR that this will never happen to me, FEAR that God really isn't hearing my cries.
So, I decided to THROW the baby shower this time!!    Yup, I initiated the shower, I planned it, I bought the food, I decorated, I sent out the invitation, I coordinated the surprise.  My co-worker emailed me after she received the invitation saying she was surprised that I was put in charge of this party knowing how I feel.   I replied, I wasn't PUT in charge... I VOLUNTEERED!  I asked God to rid me of this bitterness and I seized an opportunity to prove it!   I write all this not to boast in me, but boast in the Power of the Holy Spirit!  God is still in the business of changing hearts!  Even bitter ones like mine..

There are many unknowns right now.   My husbands back, our financial issues, my husbands job, whether my hearts desire to be a mother will ever happen... but the KNOWN is that I am supposed to get healthy, take better care of my home and grow in the knowledge and grace of my Savior Jesus Christ.  Time to Focus on the KNOWNS!

It was a good day.